icky today. Things are done early today. This will give me a chance to catch
up on some other things.
Hormonal issues seem to be hitting me hard this month. It's hard when I
don't feel like I can trust my reactions to things. I know that I end up
over-sensitive, easily frustrated, bothered by so many things.
Once again I feel like I need to be writing out the daily boring stuff. But
feeling like I shouldn't. This is where it gets hard to feel like I'm
writing with an audience. I guess I should just try to forget that and if
people don't want to read about my boring daily details, they don't have to.
I do not have to be performing. That is more an affirmation for me than
anyone else. It's hard because I don't think I believe it.
Yesterday I got out of work at noon, went back to Steve's, made and ate
lunch, grabbed my computer, stopped at the post office to check my box and
mail out a package, and went home to grandma's. It feels misleading
referring to it as home, though that's what feels like home. I don't sleep
there any more. I don't even spend as much time there as I should. But
nothing else feels like home, which makes me feel kind of unsettled.
By the time I got there, it was after 1:30 and I planned to leave again at
3:30. Leaving then, I can get back to Steve's in time to shower or bath, get
dressed and ready and be to Mike's somewhere between 4:45 and 5. Usually
later than earlier cause I'm slow. Even slower when it's hot like this and I
can't stop sweating to get anything on my face. Even slower yet when I'm
getting all pms-ful and feeling fat and icky and fat and hate all my clothes
on me and don't have anything to wear. So i spent the couple hours at
home-grandma's sitting in the living room at the card table. There usually
isn't one there but she set it up to do a puzzle with Mikale. So I sat under
the ceiling fan and tried not to sweat too much. It worked out ok. I set up
movies for Mikale, checked email, checked LJ and bust, ate ice cream.
I left at 3:30, and everything went pretty much as described above. I took a
cool/cold bath and it was nice the whole time I was in. I had a good five
minutes or so after I got out too. After that, it got more difficult. I was
slow and frustrated and feeling icky and slimy and fat. But I did finally
get out the door. I could tell I was sensitive most of the night. It makes
me feel difficult. I just don't know what reactions and thoughts to trust. I
ate well. He's good at feeding me anyway, and especially good at feeding me
in my hungry week.
When I went to bed I was warm but since I was still I wasn't sweating. Most
of the night I just had a sheet. We keep fans going and so usually I end up
pulling on my velous blanket too before too long cause it gets chilly. I
woke up quite a bit and I suspect that was because of the heat.
Tonight I'm supposed to be having dinner with Matt. The rest of the day I
suppose I'll spend home-grandma's.
