There's a guy who has been live tweeting as he reads Twilight. It's really good stuff. You should be reading it. I had some free time while working on another project so I decided to put all the Chris vs Twilight
posts into one. They all get buried pretty quickly with other posts and this makes it a little easier to follow. Enjoy!
Also, please note: I'm not the one who wrote this (that would be @theisb
), I just put it all together to make reading it easier. For me. But thanks for all the retweets, peeps. :)
Here we go. Chris vs. Twilight, Chapter 1. In order to steel myself, I've put on the Pixies as background music.
Before we hit the first chapter--Jeez, there's a preface, too--there's a quote from Genesis.
Had I written this, there Genesis quote would be "I can feel it coming in the air tonight. Oh lord."
So far so good. Preface is pretty interesting, stilted sentences aside. Girl's gonna die or something. Cool.
Chapter 1 opens with girl describing her clothes. THE BIG SLEEP opens with Marlowe describing his socks. COINCIDENCE? (yes)
P.4: "I loved the vigorous, sprawling city." FRANK MILLER'S TWILIGHT.
I gotta say, five pages in and I don't really care for Bella. She's melodramatic and pretty self-important so far.
That's not really a bad way to characterize someone if it's on purpose (and I'm giving SM the benefit of assuming it is)
P.5: "Like my mother before me, I hadn't made a secret of my distaste for Forks." We're a knife-and-spoon family, damn it!
Alternate Version: "Like my mother before me, I am a total jerk to my dad."
(I am picking sides early)
Her father calls her "Bells?" This is even worse than when I call @Ragnell "Rags."
P. 6 "I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory." Sister, you and me both.
Oh man she is seriously complaining even after being given a free car are you serious.
According to Bella, her dad is "embarrassed by my thanks." I think he's embarrassed about raising Princess Petulenta.
I like that Bella is thinking of her immediate future in terms of degrees of dreadfulness.
A new car doesn't make things good, just less awful. Sort of mirroring my expectations going into this.
P.10: SOMEONE looked up "pale" in the ol' Roget's, didn't she?
"I didn't sleep well that night, even after I was done crying." Brrrrrrrrrrother.
Not really a criticism, just a note: There are a lot of choppy sentences in this. Just weird little arhythmic 'graphs.
(Anyone who has read my writing knows that I use commas like most people use oxygen, so I'm not a good judge here)
"Hey Steph, love the manuscript, but do you think you could throw in some more advebs? THX!"
If the devil's in the details, this thing is the Goddamn Satanic Bible.
P.13: We have a character name. "Isabella Swan." This is a kind of stupid name...
...but honestly, is it any dumber than Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden?
"I have your schedule right here. And a map of the school." I'm reading this in the voice of an NPC from Silent Hill.
Synonyms for "pale" thus far: Ivory-skinned, pallid, sallow, porcelian. That's four shots, dogg.
P.15: "Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner." NEVER REMIND YOUR READERS THEY COULD BE READING BETTER BOOKS.
Guy tries to be nice to Bella and she criticizes him. Petulant AND judgmental. Yeesh.
(Pretty accurate recreation of the high school experience, though.)
"My mother is part albino." Hey, that's actually funny. Also, take a shot. We're up to 5 Pale-o-nyms.
"Chalky." Take a shot.
Oh snap, I think we just got some actual vampires up in this piece. I honestly wasn't expecting them 'til later.
So all the vampire are looking away "from anything." How do you look away from everything?
So the vampires' father is "Dr. Cullen?" That's a straight-up super-villain name for real.
If I wrote this scene, it'd just be a girl going "All them damn vampires is fuckin', for real."
Oh shit, I just laughed out loud for like 30 seconds. Oh man.
"As I passed, he suddenly went rigid in his seat." Aaaaahahahaha, yeah, that happened to me in high school a lot too.
"He didn't know me from Eve." You know, in case you thought that Genesis epigraph was a one-time reference.
"Forks was literally my personal Hell on Earth." No. It wasn't. That's not what that word means.
And that's the end of Chapter 1. To sum up: Girl moves to town, vampire gets boner.
In our last installment, we met Bella (who is obnoxious) and Edward (who is a spaz). That about brings you up to speed.
And now, Chapter 2, which begins with the sentence "The next day was better... and worse."
This chapter seriously just started with a forced dramatic pause. That. Just. Happened.
You know, if you're gonna front-load your book with this much school, she better be learning how to disarm Voldemort.
(Quidditch at the very least.)
Zzzwhuh? Oh, sorry. I dozed off halfway through Bella's shopping list. GROCERY-PACKED EXCITEMENT!
Out of the 32 pages in this book so far, I'm pretty sure 30 have been devoted to Bella bemoaning her lot in life.
Okay, here's something that's bugging me about this book: Why the hell are the vampires in high school?
I know that's a pretty common joke, but it said back in Chapter 1 that they look like college kids at least, so why?
Is the Cullen household just totally stoked about Trigonometry?
Do the Children of the Night thrive on the sight of acne? Did Dracula found Yearbook Club?
I wish. RT @kuratowa The inclusion of celery on the grocery list is foreshadowing that Bunnicula will show up later.
I cannot imagine what could possess a person to go through a hundred years of high school.
So far Bella's core skills seem to be crying and cooking. STRONG. FEMALE. CHARACTER.
Bella is now complaining about how much her mother cares about her are you fucking serious Stephenie Meyer.
P.34 - I've got to assume that this is the START of Bella's arc. We're meant to dislike her and see how she grows, right?
The forbidden love of the undead teaches her the true meaning of friendship or something? Am I close?
Also, sweet-ass Sans Serif font to represent computers, book designer!
The fact that Bella's dad trusts her to not cap herself with his pistol is the most confidence she's inspired so far.
"Dr. Cullen's a great man." Lines like this make me wish this book was a grindhouse horror flick.
Actually, pretty much every line is making me wish this book was a grindhouse horror flick.
Hang on. Did... did things just get interesting?
Dr. Cullen. Brilliant surgeon who moves to a small, secluded town, where the local dimwitted law is on his side.
Is... Is Edward's dad making Frankensteins?! DID THIS BOOK JUST GET AWESOME ON ME?!
I swear to God, if Edward's dad is a mad scientist making Frankensteins with his vampire kids, this book will be great.
And we're back to Bella's class schedule. WHY IS THIS IN THE BOOK WHEN THERE ARE POSSIBLE FRANKENSTEINS?!
(Sidenote: "The Possible Frankensteins" is my new band name.)
"We had a pop quiz on Wuthering Heights. It was straightforward, very easy." Why. Is this. In this book.
As I'm reading this book, I'm rewriting it in my head. So far there are dirtbikes and Frankensteins.
Also, as Bella's science teacher is Mr. Banner, I have re-cast him as the Hulk.
According to Bella, Edward "looked like he'd just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel."
I hate to make the dated reference, but if you picture Bella as Cameron Diaz in Something About Mary, that's pretty funny.
Edward and Bella are doing science. If this is not a prelude to them doing SCIENCE! (Frankenstein variety), I will be sad.
In case you didn't get the hint from the fact that she's read all the books in the local library, Bella was in AP CLASSES!!
"He looked fascinated by what I said, for some reason I couldn't imagine." You and me both, sister.
This exchange between Bella and Edward makes no sense. I've read it three times and still don't get it.
(For those of you following along at home, it's the one on page 50 about her being an open book. Too lazy to type it out)
Bella's third characteristic: She is bad at sports. Do her arms hurt from carrying women into the 21st century?
Also she is a bad driver.
...and her vampire paramour laughs at her when she almost gets in a wreck.
And that's Chapter 2. To review, we learned that there may be Frankensteins, and that women are silly.
In our last installment, we learned that Edward's dad might be making Frankensteins and that bella is a feminist icon.
Chapter 3 is titled "Phenomenon," which I assume is a reference to the Undertaker and his 17-0 Wrestlemania streak.
Man, wouldn't it be great if Twilight was narrated by Michael Cole instead of Bella?
"He's spazzing out again in the cafeteria! VINTAGE EDWARD, KING!"
At the start of ch.3, Bella is upset about something. There's a shocker. This time it's the weather.
According to Bella, she "should be avoiding him entirely" after having a conversation with a boy she likes. Wait, what?
Is that what girls do when they like you? Have a conversation with you and then studiously vanish?
Bella just spent ~140 words talking about why boys like her are you serious.
Hey, after an absence in Chapter 2, the synonyms for "pale" are back. This time we're starting with "white." Take a shot.
"'Ow,' I said, surprised." Oh right, Twilight was written when exclamation points were being rationed for the war effort.
It takes Bella half a page after Edward saves her life to start snapping at him angrily. Ah, romance.
Hang on... E - Engage her in conversation. D - Demonstrate value. Holy shit, is Edward using the E.D.W.A.R.D System?!
Finally, Dr. Cullen shows up on p.62. He does not appear to be making Frankensteins. :(
Oh man, I'm glad Bella's recapping the events of p.56 on p.64. I'd almost forgotten what happened ten pages ago.
"He paused, and for a brief moment his stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable."
That is the stage direction in every one of the Cody the Vampire Intern sketches on Conan O'Brien.
And that's the end of Chapter 3, a short one and by far the most boring of the book so far.
This time, we learned that Bella is capable of being petulant even to the person who saved her life...
...and to her mother, who is worried that she was almost hit by a car.
(We also learned that Chris is rapidly growing to hate our viewpoint character because she's a massive tool)
Tonight's #chrisvstwilight background music: Ice Cube's Death Certificate
In our last installment, we learned that Bella is a jerk and that there are, as yet, no Frankensteins. And now, Ch.4.
Bella's still complaining, this time about having yet another boy fawning over her. I'll say this: She's consistent.
"No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful." Dang, Meyer's making her own comments before I can.
She might be more shrewd than I've previously given her credit for.
"None of them, especially Edward, glanced my way." How can you especially not do something?
Is that like how I super-don't-watch the Jeff Dunham show? Are there puppets in this book? Frankenpuppets?
Meyer has been writing the sentence "Edward pointedly ignored me" for four pages now.
They really shoulda gotten Charlie Day to play Edward instead of that Pattinson kid.
I'm going to pause for a minute here just to say that Bella's insecurity is really friggin' grating.
She talks about how sallow and drab she is, but she's clearly pretty enough that three boys are squabbling over her.
But she's upset because the prettiest and richest boy won't tell his friggin' biography the second time they meet.
Okay, done being angry at fiction. Sorry, this Ice Cube is settin' me off.
"It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy." No comment.
Man, 75 pages of boring-ass high school drama. I hope things get better when the vampires show up and start eating people.
Wait, what do you MEAN the vampires never start eating people?!
If Edward's plan is to not be Bella's friend because he wants to protect her, then telling her so is the wrong move.
"Yo dogg listen, we can't be friends, but it's because I super-like you a lot and I'm concerned for you. So, not friends."
Oh man, I just realized something about this Goddamn book that I missed in the first three chapters.
Edward has a DAD, you guys. THE VAMPIRE HAS A DAD. Holy buckets, does he have a curfew too?
Do they get into fights when he plays his turn-of-the-century string quartet music too loud?
I'm removing words to make this book more fun: "He handed them to me, his [...] hard."
Sadly, the missing word was "face."
Y'know, Bella's clumsiness would be a nice little comic foil to the super-seriousness of everything if she was remotely sympathetic.
Poor, sympathetic Bella just got asked to the dance by the third boy on the same day are you serious Stephenie Meyer.
"I wasn't interesting." This is a true statement. "And he was." This is a false statement.
High on the list of things that are unlikeable about Bella is the fact that she treats her father like shit.
Granted, her father's about as rounded a character as John Goodman in COYOTE UGLY, but Jesus wept, this kid.
"I didn't want to ask permission--it set a bad precedent." Are. You. Serious. Stephenie. Meyer.
I realize that Bella is most likely meant to be a flawed character and an accurate representation of a petulant teenager...
...but at some point, your lead character (your FIRST-PERSON LEAD) is going to have to show a redeeming quality.
The day after the "we can't be friends" speech, he's asking her on a date. Edward is a straight-up creep.
He's like Larry the Perv, only sparkly. "I'm a vampire dere. Let's go on a radio date dere."
All right you got me. I just had an unironic chuckle at the fact that the immortal vampire is concerned about conservation.
And that's the end of Ch.4, in which Bella is petulant (SURPRISE!) and Edward is a manipulative sociopath.
Man, I seriously just cannot comprehend this book. I just cannot get my head around it.
Obviously the deal is that Edward's infatuation with Bella is overcoming his desire to protect her by keeping her away from him...
...but the reader is given no reason whatsoever for Edward to be infatuated with her in the first place!
I don't want anybody to spoil it for me in case it DOES end up making some kind of sense, but man. Are there pheromones involved?
Tonight's #chrisvstwilight background music: Ol DIrty Bastard's Return to the 36 Chambers
In the last chapter, Bella continued to be unlikeable and Edward grew steadily more sociopathic.
And now, Ch. 5: Blood Type, which--oh my God are you serious this chapter is called "Blood Type?"
85 pages into this book and the biggest source of dramatic tension is whether or not Bella can go on a beach trip.
If I were writing this book, there would've been three Frankenstein vs. Luchador dirtbike races by now...
...but I imagine that is why my fans are primarily cretinous dudes.
Bella is now referring to the non-Edward vampires as "the other four." Nice to know she forgot their names too.
"I bought nothing but a bottle of lemonade." Remember, girls! If you eat, hunky vampires won't like you as much!
"I waited for him to say something that made sense." Don't hold your breath, sister, I've been waiting 87 pages.
Bella only getting lemonade reminds me of that one Wodehouse story where Bertie tells Gussie Fink-Nottle not to eat...
...so that Madeline Bassett (Sir Watkyn Bassett's daughter) will think he's pining for her and have sympathy for him.
So hey, it reminded me of a Wodehouse story. That's a point in Twilight's favor right there.
Bella actually responds with "I gulped" when Edward hits on her. Who wrote this, Tex Avery?
On this page alone, things have been said, muttered and mused, in confusion, wryly, with a smile, and dubious.
I seriously cannot get my head around Edward and Bella's interactions. It is boggling my mind.
All she does is obsess and all he does is offer cryptic threats. And people like this as a love story? That's its point?
Hey, hot girls: You should totes stay away from me. I am hell of bad for you.
So in order to be friends, Bella has to admit that she's "not smart." That is some Machiavellian domestic abuse, dogg.
Oh. No. You. Didn't.
OH NO. YOU DIDN'T.
Oh my God you DID.
P.89: Edward asks Bella what she thinks he is. She says it's "between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker."
No. No no no no no. No no no no no no no no no. No no no no no no nonononononononononononononononononono.
As someone who has devoted most of the last quarter century to thinking about Batman, this is highly inaccurate.
Though actually, I might give Meyer the B-Dubs comparison. Edward's rich, handsome, mysterious, obviously bug-fuck crazy...
...but Spider-Man? Does Edward have an elderly aunt we don't know about? Did he, in fact, wrestle Crusher Hogan?
I could literally go on about this all night, but man. Suffice to say that this is the last place I expected Batman.
"Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker." I'm onto you, Meyer. You and your REFERENCES.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Shit. Wait. Oh shit.
Bella's first thought on meeting someone is to compare them to Batman and Spider-Man. Bella... thinks like me.
Guys... I think I have to lay down for a minute.
Okay. Okay. I can do this. Deep breaths. Keep it together, Sims, c'mon.
Hey, on p.90, Bella actually calls Edward out on his bullshit. Why do I get the feeling this won't be a trend?
Bella tells Edward she thinks he was bitten by a radioactive spider, and he tells her "that's not very creative."
Did Stephenie Meyer just call Stan Lee or Steve Ditko uncreative?
Now that she's outright referenced Spidey, I wonder if my joke about Banner the Science teacher being the hulk was spot-on.
Way to subtly work Bella's exact weight into the story are you absolutely fucking serious Stephenie Meyer.
In case you didn't get that Bella faints at the sight of blood when she fainted at the sight of blood...
...Meyer has Edward actually say "So you faint at the sight of blood?" And then he laughs.
Presumably he laughs so that you know how hilariously clever this is for the girl in love with a vampire to do.
"'He absolutely loathes me' Edward said cheerfully." Two things: 1 - The characters are becoming self-aware.
2 - Edward is giving Big Ups to All His Haters. I am like BOTH of these horrible people.
Remember how Meyer looked up a bunch of synonyms for "pale?" She only got one for "Brown."
Jeez, how much longer IS this friggin' chapter? I'm missing "In The Year 3000."
"I have too much Charlie in me." So we can assume that Bella is illiterate and makes Kitten Mittons in her spare time.
And that's the end of Chapter 5: Blood Type.
To recap, we learned that I hate in Twilight most what I recognize in myself.
And also that HOT GIRLS SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM ME. I AM TOO DANGEROUS FOR YOU.
In our last installment, I was rendered pretty much apoplectic by a reference to Edward as Batman.
And now, Chapter 6: Scary Stories. Settin' the bar pretty high there, Steph.
At the opening of the chapter, Bella's reading Act III of Macbeth.
Macbeth, as I'm sure Bella knows, is the play where a girl is so annoying that a man commits regicide to shut her up.
Bella's signature optimism is in play: The trip to the beach with her nominal "friends" "might not be miserable."
Great personality, this girl. Easy to see why the most handsome, richest, immortal sociopath has the hots for her.
Bella's going to a place called "La Push." Isn't that the group that did "Cars That Go Boom?"
"So it was going to be one of THOSE days." Sweetheart, I'm pretty sure it's going to be one of those BOOKS.
Bella remarks on how easy it is to make one of her non-vampiric suitors happy, and I think I'm starting to get it...
Bella and Edward have a relationship based on their mutual love of manipulating others. It's Machiavellove!
NITPICK: A bunch of kids who own cars are carpooling 15 miles? Why not just meet there?
"The clouds still circled the sky, threatening to invade." So the clouds were not IN the sky then, Steph?
Pretty sure you were looking for "loomed on the horizon," but it ain't my book. As evidenced by the lack of dirtbike Frankensteins.
"When we got back [...] the group we'd left had multiplied." That's what you get for not teaching about condoms in school.
Hey, p. 118: Bella meets a kid called Jacob. This is that other guy, right? With the abs?
Next page, Jacob is described as "russett colored." First of all are you serious.
Secondly, I'm getting the feeling this was the first chapter's string of synonyms for "pale" all over again.
RT: crowskyler @theisb Didn't you know that Jacob is a werepotato?
Not only does Meyer put laughter in so you can tell where the "jokes" are, she also specifies that things are being said "jokingly."
Might as well have said "Bella had a conversation with Jacob and it was totes funny but you really had to be there."
"He was really closer to a man than a boy." Yes, but WHICH man?
The adjective "archly" makes me think Bella's asking questions in the voice of the Monarch.
(See because I obsess over things that are COOL like cartoons about men in butterfly costumes, not stupid stuff like books)
Okay, I gotta say. Bella's attempt at seducing answers out of Jacob is pretty (intentionally) funny.
Ahahaha "And then there are the stories about the COLD ONES."
Yes, I've heard of these stories. Legends say that they taste great, but are less filling.
My grandfather used to tell me of the Cold Ones. He said they captured the flavor of the Rockies.
That's it, folks: I'm just gonna do "Cold Ones" jokes for the rest of the night. You can leave.
So Jacob the Werewolf is vulnerable to the Coors Silver Bullet too?
All right, all right. No more Cold Ones jokes. But seriously, "The Cold Ones." That's in there.
So Jacob just straight-up starts talking about Werewolves? Seriously?
"The cold ones are traditionally our enemies," says the Native American. That is straight up racist.
Oh wait are the Cold Ones the vampires?! Oh man, I feel dumb for not getting that...
...but I feel even dumber now that I actually know it.
Also Jacob just seriously used the term "pale-faces" are you serious Stephenie Meyer.
Seriously, what is this, F-Troop? Did Larry Storch play Bella's father in the movie?
Jacob DOES wink after he drops "pale-face," so I guess he's just messing with the white girl. What a card.
I can see Meyer pitching this: "In this chapter, it's the INDIAN who violates a treaty! MIIIINDFREEEEEAK!!!"
So Bella, who has read every book in the library, totally believes the Werewolf/Vampire story without question.
Admittedly, in this case it's true, but has she never seen an episode of Scooby Doo?
I am dumber for knowing this. RT @ kristenmchugh22 @theisbAnd...wait for it. Cold ones...Cul-lens...wait for it...
And that's the end of Chapter 5.
To recap, we learned that Native Americans have a healthy fear of cold ones are you serious Stephenie Meyer.
So now, Twilight Chapter Seven: Nightmare.
Chapter 7 starts off with me hating Bella for being petulant, so it's nice to see Meyer's consistent.
"There was a basketball game he was excited about, though of course *I* had no idea what was special about it."
Worst daughter in the world, this broad.
Seriously, I hate to keep harping on this but it's endemic of a major flaw in Bella's character.
She doesn't care for anything beyond herself. Which is fine for a protagonist, sure, but....
We're 130 pages into the novel and I'm still waiting for her to display ONE redeeming quality. JUST ONE.
"Run, Bella, you have to run!" Is Bella dreaming about Sinistar?
That's, uh... that's an awfully detailed paragraph about a teenage girl taking her clothes off you've got there, Steph.
"I hated using the Internet here. My modem was sadly outdated, my free service substandard."
That's right: Bella has taken to complaining about free things that people give her.
And now, two paragraphs of painfully detailed description of Bella's OCD. THRILLING.
Bella is now reading stories online of other vampires. Which means the only action we've had so far has come third-hand.
YOU can make "Bella took a walk in the woods" take up 2 pages WITHOUT using 72 pt font! Ask me how!
Bella has decided that she's willing to take a bullet (or a werewolf, at least) for a boy she has gone on .5 dates with.
That's a good lesson for young girls: Form intense emotional attachments at the first sign of interest.
Especially if they're mixed in with neglect and lies.
Also if a boy tells you to stay away from him, it's because he's totes into you.
This book only has two speeds: Dull and infuriating.
are you serious stephenie meyer.
Bella's paper on Macbeth is about "Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic."
I'm willing to suspend my disbelief quite a bit for this book. Vampires and werewolves? Sure. No prob.
But lady, if you want me to believe that Bella Swan can spot misogyny without a magnifying glass and a tour guide...
I get that Bella's clumsiness is a running gag, but honestly. If you're a threat to others while playing badminton...
...then you just like to hit people with rackets. Own it.
Bella seems to have developed narcolepsy around page 140.
Bella's treatment of her dad really bothers me. She's such an utter jerk to him at all times.
And Meyer's treatment of him as a character is no better. "DUH, GIRLS LIKE SHOPPING TOGETHER? DUH, OK BELLA."
"The Port Angeles Scheme" may sound like a heist, but it's just Bella going shopping for a dress.
And that's Ch.6. To recap, we learned that Stephenie Meyer either has no sense of irony...
...or the most finely developed sense of irony ever put to paper.
In our last chapter, we learned that intentional or not, Stephenie Meyer is hell of ironic you guys.
And now, Chapter 8: Port Angeles, which, like all things, is way more fun if you read it in David Lee Roth's voice.
Bella is on a road trip with her girl friends, "and the estrogen rush was invigorating." I don't even have a joke here.
I just... I think that's a clever turn of phrase. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!
Ah, here we go: Bella thinks her friends are "grateful" when she interrupts their conversation to talk about herself.
Port Angeles, it seems, is a "tourist trap," which gives me the idea that Bella has gone to...
...the Pacific Northwest's equivalent of South of the Border: http://is.gd/5cOuY
Annnnnd yet another page devoted to how much everyone is totally in love with Bella.
Did I miss a chapter where she did anything to inspire affection in anyone? I had to, right?
On the bright side, this chapter DOES have Bella plotting vehicular manslaughter.
Okay, look: I realize I'm not the target audience here. I realized that when Dirtbike Frankenstein failed to show up.
But don't you think four pages of trying on dresses is a LITTLE excessive?
P.156: Meyer, through Bella, is criticizing new-age hippie types. Glass house, meet stone.
Oh man. "Stupid unreliable vampire." Now THAT is a WAY better title than "Twilight!"
Jesus wept. Is this chapter SERIOUSLY going to be about Bella getting accosted by potential rapists?
I swear to God, if Bella almost gets raped and gets saved by Edward, I'm throwing this book across the room.
And there goes the book.
In the litany of cliches Meyer has slapped into her novel, this is THE most cliche. And it's also the most ridiculous.
Not only does she have Bella almost get raped AS SOON AS SHE WANDERS OFF, THE FIRST TIME SHE WANDERS OFF...
...By guys, incidentally, that talk like the supporting cast of a blaxploitation movie...
...the whole thing is just infuriating. Not only is there no sense of tension since her rescue is telegraphed...
...Bella not only doesn't fight back, but she talks about how she's just too goshdarn weak and clumsy TO fight back
WHICH IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE AND IS BEING MARKETED TOWARDS TEENAGE GIRLS.
Seriously. Bella, the character written for teenage girls to identify with, is too weak and clumsy to fight off rapists.
And not only does she have to rely on a man to save her, but let's drag this metaphor out, shall we?
Bella is saved from sexual violence by A VAMPIRE, A COMMON METAPHOR FOR SEXUAL VIOLENCE.
That's like if Ike Turner stepped in to save Rhianna.
Basically Bella is rescued from immediate physical violence by llies and manipulation. These are your two choices, ladies.
And the worst part of it all is that NOW I HAVE TO GO ACROSS THE ROOM AND PICK UP THE BOOK AND KEEP READING. FUCK!
Hey Stephenie Meyer: It's a Fuck You Friday!
Okay. Book has been retrieved and is reasonably undamaged.
He saves her from rape and then asks her to talk about her high school drama are you serious stephenie meyer.
What's he going to do next, buy her a pony that is secretly a unicorn?
Remember girls: The guy who always talks about having a bad temper? HE'S A CATCH!
Oh my God, and he is also stalking her. Chapter EIght? This shit is CHAPTER HATE.
Son of a BITCH.
Bella's not hungry but he's making her eat anyway. Bella is now letting him make her decisions. This is happening.
"'Drink,' he ordered. I sipped my soda obediently." And there goes the fucking book again.
Huh, made it all the way to the TV with that one. My throws are getting better.
If this book had a face, I would punch it in the dick.
The book survived Throw #2 unscathed. Let's see if Meyer can get the Hat Trick before Chapter 9.
"He pushed the bread basket towards me." Gettin' a little graphic there, Steph.
By the way: There's a Mark Millar Superman story called "How Much Can One Man Hate."
It's about Lex Luthor, but if anybody wants to steal that title for my biography, feel free.
"Only YOU could get into trouble in a town this small." Yes, Bella. This was your fault. How dare you.
The fact that Bella's a "trouble magnet" bothers me a lot more than it should considering that it's basically Lois Lane.
Of course Lois is a better role model, @Ragnell, Lois--while obsessive--is at least capable.
Morrison's Lois wouldn't put up with this kind of nonsense.
And that's the end of Chapter Hate.
To recap, we learned... well, we learned that this book is friggin' awful.
Man, I really don't wanna read this next chapter of Twilight, I don't care how many girls start following me on Twitter. It ain't worth it.
All right, all right. Might as well get through the next bit.
In our last installment, we learned that my throwing arm ain't what it used to be.
And now, Chapter 9: Theory. Which cannot possibly be worse than Chapter Hate.
Ch. 9 opens with Bella pleading to be allowed to ask a question. Did somebody staple the TWILIGHT cover onto a GOR novel?
"My mind doesn't work right?" sez Bella. Looks like Meyer's throwing softballs tonight.
This chapter is basically Meyer repeating the last three for the slow kids in the back.
OH SNAP. YOU GUYS.
I JUST FLIPPED TO THE BACK AND MY COPY OF TWILIGHT HAS DISCUSSION QUESTIONS AT THE END.
Suddenly, I cannot WAIT to get to the end of this book.
All right. Back to Chapter Nein.
We've gotten to the Personal Pet Peeve section of the book, where Meyer lists off how HER vampires are different.
Lady, I didn't like it when Garth Ennis did that (Hitman, not Preacher), I darn sure don't like it now.
"I don't WANT to be a monster." Someone seriously wrote that down. In a book. For money.
"His eyes were gentle but intense, and they seemed to be making my bones turn soft." Hee hee hee hee hee
This insistence that Bella's clumsiness is somehow responsible for her almost getting raped makes me want to punch.
"'Are you crying?' He sounded appalled." Winner of a guy you got there, Bella. Real catch.
"'You were going to fight them?' He sounded upset." Guys. SERIOUSLY.
Edward is upset that Bella was going to try to fight off rapists. I swear to God John Norman wrote this under a sobriquet.
And thus ends Chapter 9. To recap, we learned a bunch of shit we already knew.
Has it really been two days? It feels like six hours. It's time for another round of #chrisvstwilight
Tonight's background music: TheHoodInternet's Mixtape v.4
In our last installment, we learned that Stephenie Meyer needed to wring another couple thousand words outta this thing.
And now, Chapter 10: Interrogation. Hopefully this means someone'll hit these kids with a phone book.
First words of the chapter: "It was very hard, in the morning." Hee.
"It was unusually foggy." Steph, you've spent like a third of the book thus far describing fog. It is no longer unusual.
I didn't date much in high school (SURPRISE!), so I have to ask:
Is it normal for girls to go out with a boy and then immediately start smelling all his stuff?
I think I would've remembered that from Prom at least.
Still pretty hilarious that Meyer's idea of a super-hot badass car for a teenage heartthrob is a Volvo.
"They pioneered the safest headrests... FOR THE CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT!"
A "bad boy" who actually says "I'm breaking ALL the rules" is the romance equivalent...
...of the nerd with the black t-shirt with white writing that tells you how EVIL he is.
Hm. Why did I stop reading this for two days?
Oh, right, it's because BELLA IS ASKING HER BOYFRIEND WHAT CONVERSATIONS SHE'S ALLOWED TO HAVE.
(I did not throw the book this time because I'm too tired to go and pick it up)
Meyer's description of Edward's "uneven smile" has me thinking of Shane MacGowan again.
Jesus wept, how much of this book is spent recapping the prevoius chapter?
Is Twilight a book for goldfish?
"He's even more unbelievable BEHIND the face."
I had to read that sentence four times before I accepted that it did, in fact, exist.
Bella's eating an apple but she doesn't say what kind! Cortland? Red D.? Fuji? Gala? Cameo? Roman? Braeburn? H.Crisp?
I'm actually glad she doesn't specify. Crossing the #chrisvstwilight and #appleclub streams could be dangerous. Total protonic reversal.
Edward is literally telling Bella she shouldn't think certain things are you fucking serious stephenie meyer
The fact that Edward's eyes are "golden" pretty much makes him the handsome Scut Farkus.
Edward's idea of reassuring Bella is to tell her every boy in the school has a boner for her. SORRY LADIES! HE'S TAKEN!
Meyer is foreshadowing the SHIT out of Edward sparkling in sunlight. I wish I didn't already know that from the dildo.
There... are a lot of things I wish I hadn't learned from that Twilight dildo...
... On page 214, Meyer commits the most unforgivable sin a writer can commit in my eyes.
Vampires fought bears in this book. VAMPIRES FOUGHT BEARS. And yet the story followed Bella in Algebra class.
Thus ends Chapter 10, with the biggest missed opportunity since Meyer didn't include Dirtbike Frankenstein.
To recap, we learned that #appleclub is #appleclub, #chrisvstwilight is #chrisvstwilight, and never the twain shall meet.
For those of you wondering, I covered the Twilight dildo here: http://is.gd/5gxRd
All right, let's do this Late Afternoon Style: It's time once again for #ChrisvsTwilight!
Tonight's #chrisvstwilight background music: The new Jaguar Skills Kanye/Daft Punk mix
In our last installment, we learned that while Stephenie Meyer knows 200 words for "Pale" she only knows one for "apple."
And now, #chrisvstwilight Chapter 11: Creative Bankruptcy. Er, I mean Ch.11: Complications.
(That chapter title is making me think I should've gone with Jarvis Cocker for this one instead. Live and learn, folks.)
"Mr. Banner shoved the tape into the reluctant VCR." Never has the pathetic fallacy been more pathetic.
You know, I really shouldn't criticize the book about high school romance for being melodramatic, but HONESTLY.
"I was stunned by the unexpected electricity." Oh, how I wish this was literal. This book could use a good tazing.
Okay, legitimate question here for you guys. Is it just that I've already developed a chip on my shoulder after 200 pages..
... or is "The hour seemed very long" a sentence that could use a little work?
The alarming specificity she goes into, you'd think she could spare a metaphor for the vaguely long hour.
Also, the fact that I'm marking my place in the book with my business card, which has this picture, cracks me up: http://is.gd/5iHAQ
Nice to see Meyer using Bella's clumsiness as comic relief again instead of talking about how it almost got her raped.
"As I walked to his side, I felt a peculiar sense of release." Did... Did Meyer... I mean, is this a code for..
Did Bella just have an orgasm just from standing next to Edward? Seriously? Did that just happen?
Every time I finish a chapter, I think that Bella cannot possibly be any more rock-stupid than she already is.
And every time, I am wrong.
are you serious stephenie meyer oh my god
BELLA: Promise you won't spy on me! Edward: No, but I will let you, a woman, drive my man-car. Bella: OK!!!
Seriously. Bella has agreed to let Edward violate her privacy pretty much whenevs in exchanage for driving..
wait for it...
Also Awesome: How Edward responds to Bella's questions with "Don't worry about it."
I can only assume that the movie version features long minutes of head-patting.
"I pulled on my brown turtleneck and the inescapable jeans."
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, CHILdren of all AGES, step right up, step right up!
For one THIN dime, yes ONE DIME ONLY, you can venture into the tent to my left and see the MYSTERY of HISTORY!
You WILL not believe your eyes as you witness The AMAzing Swan don that torturous trap of the Orient...
The aSTOUNDing, mind-BOGGling, heart-stopping INESCAPABLE JEANS!
I am only going to twitter as a carnival barker from now on and you guys can fuckin' deal with it.
Bella's favorite color is brown. Which is ironic, since this is the whitest book since Mein Kampf.
Do girls really fantasize about being asked their favorite gemstone? 'Cause you know, I could do that. Ladies.
So far, the most interesting character in this book is Mister Mister Mister Mister Mister Mister Banner.
Because seriously, showing educational films two days in a row? That guy has clearly just given up on teaching.
On page 231, Bella comes REALLY CLOSE to empathizing with another human being. That's a first.
"What time is it?" "It's twilight." FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
"What time is it?" "It's.... TWILIGHT." hate you forever stephenie meyer
"What happened here, Raskolnikov?" "There was crime... and punishment."
"How'd you like the party, Nick?" "It was... great, Gatsby."
"The allies have stopped firing! It's all quiet... on the western front!"
"Cor blimey, Solomon! These truly are The Chronicles of Solomon Stone: Book One: Stone Me Deadly!"
Oh man, I'd almost forgotten that "Russet" was Meyer's codeword for "Native American."
And that's the end of Chapter 11.
To recap, we learned that Edward's favorite time of day... is TWILIGHT.
"I don't know, Jules. This whole adventure has been like something out of a Pulp Fiction."
"And then I'm going to Kill Bill!" (Okay, well, yes, that one did happen and it was awesome. NOT THE POINT.)
It is 11 PM on Friday night, which is the time that the least amount of people are paying attention to me rambling on on Twitter.
And that makes it the perfect time for another installment of Big Ups to All Stephenie Meyer's Haters--er, #chrisvstwilight!
Tonight's #chrisvstwilight background music: Girl Talk's Feed the Animals, my favorite album of the year.
In our last installment we learned that Edward's favorite time of day... is TWILIGHT. DO YOU GET IT.
(We also learned that I will beat a joke to death for an hour after I claim to be finished with it.)
And now, #chrisvstwilight Chapter 12: Balancing. Which, despite the name, will most likely not take place on a tightrope.
So far, the events of Chapter 12 have included making grilled cheese and talking about the events of the previous chapter.
Who the hell is this constant recapping for? I read one chapter a day and do not care, and even I can remember this stuff.
Meyer has been laying the groundwork for this trip to Seattle for at least 200 pages now.
This chapter is so boring that I'm about to start making things up just to keep myself entertained while I slog through it
Edward seems to have some kind of history with these Cobra Kai students...
Looks like Bella's gotten them to agree to lay off until the All-Forks Karate Tournament in December!
But how's Edward going to learn to fight Johnny in two months?! JOHNNY'S A BLACK BELT!
There has been nothing in the last 15 pages that has advanced the plot or revealed character. At all.
Oh, except that we now know that Edward's prodigious skills include felony B&E and grand theft auto.
Oh, here we go.
In order to cope with her relationship, Bella is doping herself with "unncessary cold medicine."
She's so excited! She's so excited! She's so... so... SCARED!
"I woke up early, having slept soundly and dreamlessly thanks to my gratuitious drug use."
I'm really hoping this is the start of Meyer just suddenly going Hunter S. Thompson on this book.
"We were somewhere outside of Tacoma at the edge of the forest when the drugs took hold."
The only thing that worries Bella is the ether.
I swear to God Edward is giving Bella directions that are the same as the third verse of Skee-Lo's "I Wish."
Look, guys. I know, okay?
I know that this is the least entertaining #chrisvstwilight has ever been. And possibly the least entertaining ANYTHING has ever been.
But this chapter. Seriously, NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
It's like the second act of Manos: Hands of Fate. All awkward silences and ten-minute shots of highway driving.
"It wasn't as hard as I had feared." That happens to a lot of guys, Bella.
Thus ends Ch 12, in which Bella decides at the last minute not to go on the trip that's been built up for 200 pages.
To recap, we learned ABSOLUTELY NOTHING because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED.
This entire chapter could've been cut out without losing anything.
All right. I've had lunch, taken my vitamins, and said my prayers. And that means it's time for another round of #chrisvstwilight!
In our last installment, we learned that Stephenie Meyer just straight up got paid for recapping her own books IN HER BOOKS
Seriously, Chapter 12 was basically Bella giving a book report on Chapter 11.
But @Ragnell informs me that this is the chapter based on the dream Meyer had that inspired the book...
...so that seems promising. And now, #chrisvstwilight Chapter 13: Confessions (of a Sparkly Mind)
This chapter's first line, written in all caps: "EDWARD IN THE SUNLIGHT WAS SHOCKING."
Oh man, you guys. This opening paragraph. Are you SERIOUS.
In this opening paragraph, Edward is: White, faintly flush, literally sparkling, like thousands of tiny diamonds...
...perfectly still, sculpted, incadescent, scintillating, glistening, pale lavender, perfect, statuesque, smooth...
...and glittering. At the same time.
In other words, Stephenie Meyer just Bedazzled™ the shit out of a Dracula.
And yet, in the midst of all this glittering, sparkling, glistening incandescent etc. perfection...
...Bella still finds something to complain about are you serious Stephenie Meyer.
On p.261, Edward is: Magnificent, beautiful, shimmering, perfect, satin smooth, cool as stone...
.@akoyamiazaki I will say this: Whoever made the Twilight dildo got the "pale lavender" part DEAD ON.
Edward is surprised to find that being covered in more glitter than a bachelor party at 4 AM doesn't "scare" Bella.
Bella is now tracing her fingers over "the faint pattern of bluish veins."
Hey Steph, Harlequin Romance called. They want their handjob metaphors back.
By p.263, Edward has become: Golden, sweet, delicious. COULD THESE BE HIDDEN #APPLECLUB REFERENCES?!
"And then he was gone, his hand ripped from mine." You know...
Intelectually, I know there's no way that paragraph ends with a train hitting Edward, but I still hope.
So basically, every time Edward and Bella get close to kissing each other, his vampire instincts take over?
Clearly, this is the exact situation that requires the Christian Side Hug: http://is.gd/5nyu3
As @kenlowery says, his "vampire instincts" appear to just be getting a boner. Seriously.
They hug, he runs away from her and tells her to give him a minute, then comes back kinda embarrassed.
So in that respect, Meyer is once again pretty accurate at capturing the high school experience.
You know what's romantic? Telling a girl how he totally have the power to kill her any time and that she can't stop you.
FACT: I just went to type "#chrisvstwilight" and typed "#christiansidehug" instead.
.@BenjaminBirdie If Edward throws a baseball at Jacob's head and goes "YOU'RE FUCKIN' OUT!" I will forgive this book's many sins.
"It's not only your company I crave!" Not Your Company is the hot new slang term for "Vagina." Take it out for a spin!
All right. Guys. I am not gonna lie. I am going to be straight up 100% cold real with you guys here.
"You are exactly my brand of heroin" is pretty fucking romantic.
RT KriegsaffeNo9 @theisb It's a pretty subtle ice burn if he just told her she'll hollow him out and leave him envious of the fully dead.
According to Edward, Bella was just "too interesting" to stay away from. Bull. Shit.
You know, this chapter really should've ended with the heroin line instead of Edward explaining the rest of the book.
You know, the book you are actually reading when he explains it. Seriously, how fucking dumb does Meyer think people are?
Alternately: How clever does she think she is for having a vampire not want to be around when people are drawing blood?
Oh. Shit. You. Guys.
I'd seen "and so the lion fell in love with the lamb" on merchandise when I was researching that one article I wrote..
...but I honestly didn't think anyone would actually USE THAT IN A BOOK.
Like, a book WRITTEN FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO READ. That line is ACTUALLY IN THERE.
"'It won't be so hard again,' he said with satisfaction." Aaaaaaahahahahahahaha
"No one could be still like Edward." You guys, Edward is SO DREAMY that he's even THE BEST AT NOT DOING ANYTHING.
(Though he'd have to work hard to be better at not doing anything than Anita Blake.)
Really, Stephenie Meyer? You're going to talk about how silly vampires turning into bats is?
And you're going to do this ten pages after you have a vampire who sparkles in the sunlight? Really?
"Turning into bats? Laughable!" says sparkly telepathic Volvo-driving vampire who spent century in high school.
There is so much self-consciously chaste groping and "clamping my legs around his waist" in this chapter.
And thus ends Chapter 13, where the lion doesn't lay down with the lamb because that's too much of a sex metaphor.
To recap, we learned that it is in fact possible to write a novel where every other word is an adjective.